We Create These Hells

Its a weird feeling knowing everyone in the world is out and about when you're at home, alone. It's not depressing, just weird. You feel genuinely alone. I hate to be so dismal but I have nothing else to do. And I know I hardly know what being alone is but on this one day it's hard not to feel this way.

My mom would tell me stories of when she felt genuinely alone. These were stories from when she was younger and I was just a baby. There's lots of these stories, and I genuinely wonder how she survived. She had me there by her side, but at only two, three, four years old, I doubt I could give her the companionship a soul mate could. You could hardly believe in soul mates after you heard these stories. You could hardly understand how she could ever love again. I don't think she ever did.

These stories are always playing in my mind, like a movie on loop. Always keeping me from becoming something I don't ever want to be. She's created a hell for me, but I love her more than anything...and that's how 'but' should be used.

Every once in awhile the movie will pause and I'll be free. I'll forget the pain I've lived with her. And it's in these times that a friend of mine always takes me back to that hell. A friend of mine who always texts me the same lyric just at the right times: "Wait for the day you come home from the loneliest part". "Look for the girl who has put up with all your shit", I always text back.

Its become something of a tradition, and every time he texts, I wish it was something we never started. Because I always come home from the loneliest part, but I'm afraid my shit is too much. I'm afraid she won't want to live this hell with me. I mean, who wants to stay at home when everybody in the world is out and about.

he was there

I imagine you can sense the end of a relationship. Not the way you sense something ominously visible - like cancer for a chain smoker - but more in the way an animal can sense fear, or knees a coming storm. I imagine it to be the saddest part of the break up - knowing that there's nothing to stop what's coming.

There's a story I think of when I imagine this heartbreak. It's of a girl, madly in love with a boy; so in love, even her mother's bitter hatred can't keep her from him. One day, after an exhausting fight with the girl's mother, the boy has had enough; and, in a romantic attempt to rescue his love from anymore heartache, he promises her they will run away. She couldn't be happier; it's all that she's been dreaming for. So, with her heart in her hand and her luggage all packed, she waits for him. She waits with more hope than she's ever known...than she's ever had. But she waits. And the hope fades, because he never calls.

I imagine you can sense the end of all things...close things, at least. It would be unimaginable not to imagine so. 'Imagine' used to be the word she hated. "Don't imagine...just do." Of all the things she said, that stuck the strongest; probably because I do it so damn much. I always told her she should try it more often, told her it was like dreaming. Everyone dreams.

After she told me her story, though, I never asked it of her again. I didn't have the heart, I'd be asking too much. "Imagine he called", she'd hear. In her blue couch she'd sit, staring blankly at the doorway, the hinges intact, imagining if he had called; imagining she didn't have to carry her heart and her luggage to his doorway; imagining she could forget the face of his sister, unable to give an answer, just as confused as the poor girl standing in the doorway; imagining she could understand why he didn't call...why he wasn't there.

It's things like this I imagine we must be able to sense. How could we not. How could something expected hurt so much? Sure. But how could it not.

I don't think she meant to tell the story of the girl. She was showing me a song, "Aca Entre Nos", by a famous Mexican singer. I think she sensed other things that day, though. It was the first time I had heard the story and, as it stands, I'm the only one who's heard it in its entirety. I had never cried that hard. I had never seen her cry that soft. I imagine she sensed something that day, because 1 year later she died.

It was a sad funeral, but a happy one.

I have this fear that at my funeral nobody will show. My arrangements will have been made, my friends and family will be notified, and my children will be in good health, but the pews will be empty. There'll be rows and rows of silence. Nothingness. I imagine her to have had the same fear. But it was nothing like that for her. There wasn't a single pew empty. Everyone was there. And between you and I, I think he was there.

ACL 2010: LCD Soundsystem

I’d have to say that my personal favorite at this year’s Austin City Limits was LCD Soundsystem – and this is coming from someone that probably wasn’t a fan before this year. James Murphy was definitely the kind of artist I never truly understood, for whatever lame reason, and it was This Is Happening that changed my views. It’s still probably my most-heard album of the year and the one that continues to amaze me with every single repeated listen.
Saturday right, as the sun (that's it up on the banner) was setting, was LCD Soundsystem’s time at ACL. They played from 530-630 and now, when I look at these pictures, it’s crazy just how light to dark it went, fast. I don’t remember the sound being nearly this loud but I absolutely love it when Murphy screams “Don’t you want me to wake up?!” There are just so many one-liners on this song, on this entire album, that it’s astounding. And I didn’t even used to dig “Drunk Girls” too much but now, it’s nothing more than a dance-your-troubles-away, catchy, bumpy ride, or is that what “Dance Yrself Clean” is about?

I definitely need to apologize because as I’m finally listening to this for the first time, hearing my voice against such beautiful music is annoying so seriously, sorry for that. To try and place this into some kind of contextual meaning: you always want to see your favorite bands/artists when they’re at their utmost peak. I’m getting ahead of myself but LCD Soundsystem is definitely one of the greatest bands of our current time. I’m still in awe of the simple fact that we got to stand there, in an hour of mesmerizing music and where I definitely danced till I felt myself clean (lame!) and listen to LCD Soundsystem play “I Can Change,” “All My Friends,” “You Wanted a Hit,” and end with “Home.” – Bryan

Lcd Soundsystem live @ ACL 2010 by nico43

still too tired to care and i got to go

There's a place in my city where I go every time I need to pass the time. It's a bowling alley off a main street near where I work. I find myself there a lot, just passing the time. I've noticed I'm not the only one who knows about this place though. Obviously, there are customers, but those people show up to bowl. The ones that are like me, though, they sit the way I do. They look the way I do, mostly tired but also like they have somewhere else they'd rather be. I'd rather be somewhere else.

It's a quiet place, mostly empty during the day. There's always a few bowlers, usually retired, old folks. Watching them, I see the depressing truth to old age - we don't all get there, but we all don't want to be there. I imagine myself to be like them when I get old, trying to forget how much I hate being old. A couple more just walked in. Maybe this wouldn't be the best place to forget. The music just came on...oldies.

This just happens to be the one bowling alley in town where all the mentally handicapped youth hang out. I'm sitting on their side so, naturally, I'll have to wash my hands in a bit as they all decided to greet me personally. Watching them, I see the depressing truth to reproduction - you never know, and if you did ...would you do anything about it? I imagine myself to have been like them when I was a baby, trying to remember everything I'm seeing for the first time.

It's close to the time where I have to get to where I'm going. It's like this everytime. I just sit around, watching the people, watching the clock. No drink, no snack. No nothing. Just watching. Participating, I suppose, in this community of nobody's, waiting for my time to come...to go. Not even sure I wanna go, but I'm too tired to care and I got to go.

Waiting

I used to know a guy who would sit in dark rooms. Would do it often... just find a corner and sit there. Alone, in the dark. Waiting. He told me he did it just to see if all this was worth it. Said he had to know if there was anything else. I'd always ask if he'd seen things. He'd just smirk and tell me things are clearer in the dark. Fucking crazy kid if you ask me, because I've tried it, I've been trying it, and it's always the same - there's nothing. Nothing clear. Nothing nothing. You feel stupid actually. At least I do. Just sitting there, in the dark, waiting for something that you've told yourself, all your life, doesn't exist. Waiting for something to show from nothing. Not even really sure of what you're waiting for. It's fucking stupid actually - a waste of time. Just thinking of how often I do it sickens me.

The part I can't get over, though, isn't the waiting. It's not the hour or two of constantly grazing the room for light because, if you fix your eyes in a spot for even a second, the darkness saturates the room like blood to a cotton ball. It's not that time that gets me. Nor is it the numb feeling that hits you near the base of your brain when you realize that your most valuable sense is completely useless to you now; you're temporarily blind. You try to listen, too. But there's nothing. And that's not the part that gets me either. Its a much more peculiar moment, a more memorable feeling. Even more peculiar than when you've sat there for so long, without movement or sound, that you begin to feel like you are the darkness. Like if you were to step outside your body and flash a bright light in the room, you would see nothing. Not even that stupid fucking kid in the corner...waiting. And it's more memorable than the feeling you get beforehand, when you first close the door to the room and, just before you flick the light switch off, you realize you might see something you don't want to see.

It's not either of these that get me. It's the walk out that gets me, the one time there's movement in the room. I know it doesn't sound like anything phenomenal; it's far from it actually. But its during this time that I can't help but feel fear; the goosebumps tell it all. I'm not sure if its the feeling that something might suddenly leap out from the darkness and pull me back into the corner and hold me there forever, but I know its during this time that I get the eeriest thought: what if the whole time I had been sitting there, the thing I was waiting for was inside me all along. What if I was waiting for me.

I tell you, it's a fucking waste of time. And it makes me sick.

The Mayer of ACL

Possibly one of the most anticipated acts for myself this year at ACL was homeboy right here. And let me tell you, Mayer Hawthorne came prepared! In my eyes he was the most rehearsed and best prepared act of the entire festival. His performance was spot on, and each song blended into the next almost seamlessly. Nothing against other acts at the festival, but his set was golden from begging to end. One surprising thing I found was that he has a truly monster singing voice. There's no production magic going on when you hear him sing on his album, "A Strange Arrangement", its just pure talent from the Michigan native (he even threw in a "GO BLUE" remark in front of the pro UT crowd, ha). One thing you notice at the festival is a lot of the acts do at least one cover during there set, and Mayer was no different. Where he did differ though was the decade he chose to pick his cover from. Where you have bands like Broken Bells covering The Black Keys, Band Of Horses covering Cee-Lo Green, Mayer on the other hand chose The Doobie Brothers' "What a Fool Believes". And Honestly it was perfect, a little funny at first, but Mayer and The County knocked it out of the park. As always I was able to record the entire show and it came out pretty decent. Though I did cut it up so it would be easier to listen to. The recording below is my favorite part of his set and includes 2 brand new songs, "I Need You" and one I heard for the first Time, "No Strings" which is available for free download here , though in my opinion the live recoding is almost better ;) The recording starts out with a pretty funny story that apparently happened at one of my favorite establishments in Austin, Waterloo Records. The rest of his amazing set will hopefully be up soon, but for now, enjoi this. -Nick
Mayer Hawthorne Live @ ACL 2010 by nico43

ACL 2010: The Black Keys

The first band we made sure to get up and close for was The Black Keys. It was pretty startling to get to the park at 3PM and already see so many people there but as you've probably already heard, this year's Austin City Limits Festival was ridiculously packed. Still, it made for amazing moments where the bands fed off the audience's energy and delivered awesome performances.
The Black Keys were certainly no exception as they rocked the crowd with intense energy. They played a few songs as a duo and then brought out a bassist and pianist to flesh out songs like "Tighten Up." I dug the smooth chug of "Everlasting Light" the most but it was also pretty great to hear older songs. Their sequencing was especially remarkable, as if they were improvising the entire set.
In the end, I don't remember being that blown away with my first performance in the three years I've been to ACL. It definitely made me forget that I was sacrificing Beach House to catch these rocking brothers. Maybe it was the fact that they're one of the trendiest bands right now, maybe it was that their new album is pretty spectacular or maybe just the fact that they're a tremendous band, did me in. - Bryan

The Black Keys live from Austin City Limits Music Fest 2010

We're really happy to be sharing the sights and sounds of Austin City Limits 2010 here at Odd Gila.

The first concert we got the chance to check out was The Black Keys at the AMD stage. And For the first thing to lay our ears on this year at the festival, the "Brothers" from Akron, Ohio did not disappoint. Here is a recording of their set from Friday. Try and forgive the sometimes sketchy quality, however when its good, you can hear how talented this duo really is. Enjoi! -nick

Black Keys Live from ACl 2010 by nico43

Spoon - Gimme Fiction

Prefuse 73 was here on Sunday and tomorrow night, well tonight, (Wednesday) Spoon will be here. Then we leave Thursday morning to make a 9-hour drive to Austin for this weekend’s ACL festival (pictured above.) Honestly, I’m pretty exhausted and I have to wake up early to get some stuff done before working from 10-7 to be able to get off early to see this awesome band. ANYWAY, I had to come here and post something about Spoon because as much as it hasn’t settled yet, this has been one of my favorite bands of the past ten or so years and I finally get the chance to see them live. I was lucky enough to speak to Jim Eno before, this band will finally play in El Paso and I’m not entirely aware of it yet.

Either way, the problem is with me and not with their music. 2005’s Gimme Fiction was something I latched onto because of its dark demeanor. I love the cover art and how the inside is a bloody wolf that has ripped away at everything, looking for his little red riding hood. A howling wolf is kind of what Britt Daniel sounds like on “The Beast and Dragon, Adored,” while the menacing guitar fuzz and stamping drums fade away. I’m not sure why I like the visual imagery of it but to ravish on a feast, the way the music seems to swell with energy, sounds like something so enticing. Either way, it’s awesome music, regardless of my jaded depiction.


So I’m just gonna go lame and safe with this next one and choose the second song off the album, “The Two Sides of Monsieur Valentine.” And I guess, yes it’s safe because it’s easier to choose something that just happens to segue beautifully from one moment to the next. The strings at the heart of the song (before the 2-minute mark) sound increasingly gorgeous and I just love the simply-strung and swaying guitar chug. Everything comes to a head at the point where the drums and guitars meet but Daniel’s voice is still the ringleader: charming and beguiling. Things only continue to gel from here until the end of the album, on what many consider to be the band’s best. – B

Kanye West – 808s and Heartbreak

It’s the first day of the new month today and it almost feels relieving to have September behind us. For the most part it was a good month but with so much promise and potential in October, there is at least logical reasoning behind partial optimism. Kanye West is supposed to have a new album out soon and the word is that it’s supposed to pretty awesome. I’m a ‘no-questions’ Kanye fan in that I don’t really ask or wonder why he says some of the things he says, or acts the way he does sometimes, because in the end – and in my lowly opinion – his music does all the walking to back up his talking.

This album is probably the people’s least favorite but I love it just as much as the other three. I loved how it came out in the winter of 2008 to a quiet affair and yet, it was a noteworthy explosion. It’s intertwined with feelings of love loss, despair and heartbreak. And to evoke his feelings in the cold and almost robotic ways he felt them, Kanye would use a ton of auto-tune on his 808 machine. “Love Lockdown” was the first song to jump off the album and here is the video to it:


I mean, he HAD to make this album so I’m not sure what all of the haters’ problem is. Besides losing the love of his life after she broke up with him, West lost his mother whom was, without question, the closest person in Kanye’s life. “Coldest Winter” is the epitome of what this album is about – the snapshot of all the bitter darkness and cold moments that Kanye lived through. “Goodbye my friend, will I ever love again?” is what he continues to ask as the drums pound away in a furious manner. This was definitely what I listened to for about three months straight and I loved it so much that I thought it was the best album of 2008, sure, I’m crazy. But the video to the song is awesome. – Bryan