Peanut

I had to bury the first dog I've ever had tonight. She was fourteen years old and was the family dog, Peanut. She had been sick for a while now and we were actually planning on taking her in to be put down tomorrow. Different people kept asking me what I was going to do after work (my new schedule is from 230-11, which is much later than my previous one) and something kept telling me to just head home.

So I walked in and I swear, I looked down at her and saw her take her last breath. Who knows how much she had struggled or what she was feeling but I do know that something was trying to tell us (my mom and I) that she wasn't going to be left at some hospital to be creameated. I immediately began digging a hole in the back and I buried her. I said a prayer for her and we shared some stories about her and that was that. She was a good dog, she was loyal and she lived a pretty long life but I can't help feeling guilty because she was sick for a while and perhaps I should've taken the initiative to bring her to the vet. I take full blame on that.

I didn't realize how hard it would hit me and how much it would affect me. I felt helpless and somewhat angry that she passed, as if I was in some delusional state assuming she was never going to die. I'm an animal lover, I'm a freaking sensitive loser and I'm a weak-ass dude so I felt it best to honor her in some way. I mean, animals have zero control over what happens to them once they've been domesticated; they are literally ours and somehow, they don't judge and love you as the selfish, stupid person you are.

I went to my room and looked for music and I did the math: Peanut was born and given to us when I just entered the 5th grade, that means she was born in 1995. I wanted to play an album from her birth year as a sort of going away gift, to share in the music that was playing at that time - even if this then ten-year old punk kid had no idea the magic music possessed.

So I grabbed Radiohead's The Bends, an album that is deeply rooted in memories and nostalgia. It was the first album by theirs I heard, after I stole it from my sister. It's still the album I feel is their second best and it's the one that mostly, brought Amber and I together. I remember having my discman with me and my cheap headphones as a dorky freshman and there, in front of me, was this hot sophomore taking it from me. She said she only wanted to borrow the discman and gave me my CD case and said "don't worry, your cd is in there." And I left home for the weekend only to realize she purposely left with my cd to listen to because naturally, she fell in love with it too. It was cute and sure, sweet and later on, we'd hear the band play "Black Star" in 2006 in Berkeley and yes, it was awesome. But in all, it is an album that is still, very very good.

I played it all and sat outside in the dark through it all. Nostalgia is horrible and those ghosts seem to still haunt me, even when I lay down and close my eyes at night. I hope that somehow Peanut could feel what I was going for and she will be missed. I'm sorry for those that read this spiel and wish they could've had those five minutes of their lives back. "Street Spirit (Fade Out)" is still my favorite Radiohead song, its the closing song off the aforementioned album and it follows, below, R.I.P. Peanut - Bryan.